On what I do becoming part of who I am in this moment

I have baulked at waking up sub 9am for, you know, my life time. Snubbing the dark, quiet hours in favor of waking up when it is warm and bright.

I have also declined, politely and otherwise, participating in anything sport like. Yoga and pilates do NOT count as sports in my book.

So here I am at 29… Running, lifting weights, a member of a gym and roller skating… Um, seriously, what happened? I woke up for a 6:30am training workshop on a Sunday…

Whilst I was so serious about avoiding sport, there was a bit of me that desperately wanted to be a runner. I know, huh? On camp last weekend, there’s a photo of me paused whilst running… I didn’t realise it was me at first… because that person looked like a runner. I have, without really knowing it, become a runner.

The best bit about running? That split second when no part of your body is on the ground, you are in the air. I struggle with running, just keeping myself going and my mind from deviating, it’s proving to be an excellent way to toy with my head. I have a running buddy that lives on the other side of town, it’s her voice I hear in my head when I really feel I can’t keep going.

Last night, I didn’t run, but I did another learn to skate class. There were a few girls in brand new skates and I asked if they were intending on trying out for derby. Yes, they were. How could I tell? The skates were brand new, not a single piece of rink dust, tear in a lace or scuff mark in sight. They intend on doing fresh meat in a few weeks/months. They asked if I was doing fresh meat. And I blindsided myself.

I got nervous.

Twitchy, even.

‘Um… I’m already in a league…..

…Not that I can skate well…

…I was lucky, I didn’t have to know how to skate when I got started.”

Does that sound like a confident derby girl to you? Am I a derby girl, despite the fact that I’m not playing derby, in the lowest level of my league and facing cut off in September (again!)? I don’t describe myself as a derby girl… except when with other derby people. I don’t know the answer on this one… I won’t be playing in 2011, 2012 is possible and 2013 is likely. Yet, derby is a MASSIVE part of my life. I’m not drinking because of it, I hang out at the gym because of it, I have an incredible array of new friends because of it (new as in added to my current favourite people, not replacements) and so on… so surely, I am a derby girl?

I take photos, too, and have been known to call myself a photographer (or, taking a leaf out of Paul Arden’s book, an artist). I have no issue with taking the reins on things that don’t concern my physical representation of who I am… but my body image. I am going to put this out there, because I don’t think it gets said enough and it doesn’t mean that I have a big head or tickets on myself, but I love the shape of my body at the moment. Is it perfect? No! Hell no! But my body is the strongest it has ever, ever, ever been. When I move, I feel muscles, I have shape, I have definition and dammit, I am working hard with my body at the moment, why can’t I love the shape I am?

Anyways… so derby + running + moving have been added to my repertoire of things about me. I’m making peace with the physicality of being. Who knew that this was even a big deal?


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