Spectrum

Sydney. Again. 5th time in four years. 2nd time in three months. Just for fun.

Every trip brings something different and special. Every trip tells a story that changes the next breath of time. My last big trip was a story of love and loss… the last one was experiences of the new. This time was a spectrum of relationships, how they change and how they change me. I learned more from this trip about myself than I probably have in the other days of this year. I spent the plane trip home just vomiting thoughts that had been playing on my mind during the trip. This is where having a strong relationship with your spouses (derby and life) comes in handy – they just listened, nodded and occasionally sent a thought back to the incubator. I have amazing people in my life, fo’shure.

I had a few little shocks to my little sense of self… that thing that is always transtioning. I nearly punched a guy, which is not my usual reaction to something that I do not want. I remember looking at him, thinking that he was bigger than me and then mentally targeting the first part of him that I would hit. I walked away, but that brief moment has changed my understanding of myself…He wasn’t a random, by the way. He had his arm draped around me and wouldn’t let go, despite me asking several times, super politely. I ended up using a low, loud voice and getting him to let go, but I still wanted to hit his flesh. I am not a creature to be violated and touched against my will. Talk about a hairline trigger.

I also caught up with someone I hadn’t seen in over 10 years – just one of those things that when he’s around, I’m not and so on and so forth. We watched a derby game together, it was nice to be in the same room with him. In my late teens, he was an absolute rock – listening and giving advice, as the older one of the two of us. Our lives ran on a strange parallel for a few years – when my relationships would end, his would, too. When our exes did the creepy ex-break up things – we could laugh about our stupidity in being attracted to the crazy. Hanging with him really took me back and forward at the same time.

I am not who I was, I am not who I will be and I am who I am.

On the Friday, I also ventured into the suburbs with a friend who has developed a method for letting go of the past. I continue to carry the relationships and misuses of the past on me. So that managed to get me thinking…

Through the midst of all this crazy, I couldn’t sleep. In 4 days, I think I slept the sum of about 11 hours. By the time I stumbled back through the door, I was on raving lunatic mode (and I headed straight to bed after the requisite snuggles and cuddles). Everything seems bigger when you don’t sleep.

The weeks after this have been recuperative in lots of ways… still working out where things fit. I’m so glad I went – even when things are hard, I’m glad I’ve done them. I learn from the challenges I am presented with… slowly sometimes, but surely.

 

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One thought on “Spectrum

  1. This is what happens when you attempt to laugh with a mouthful of tapioca pearls…

    Also it’s not so much about letting go of the past in terms of forgetting it – it’s casting off the weight.

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